Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The worst family photos I could find on the internet

So this summer I have two family reunions. Both sides of the family. Now let me preface this by saying I love my family. Really I do. They are hilarious and provide me with hours upon hours of material. In fact more than a few  of my posts have come directly from something we talked about. By the way family I am still sorry bout the Top 10 Places To Bury Grandma post. So so regrettable..

Anyways sometimes we get together for one of the big family photos. You know the ones...  everyone dressed up in all denim like we are about to heard cattle. Or maybe everyone wearing a matching sweater or something... because I guess sharing the same actual blood lines just isn't enough family solidarity? 

And we take these horrifying photos..& inevitably someone will tag you in said picture and you end up on Facebook. Or maybe it ends up hanging above the parents dinner table for your significant others to constantly see you in a much less sexual light..... Or... if you are really lucky, it gets chosen to be proudly shown off in the window of the photographers studio at the mall.... for the whole town to laugh at... er ...see... Gotta love that...

Regardless Im getting excited for the reunion....... Getting a chance to see everyone, maybe then firing up the old bbq and having a good meal or two with everybody.... Having that awkward conversation about how the whole family was certain you were "slow" when you were growing up. 
Maybe then having a couple extra beers and lettin a good family secret out....Ah its gonna be fun.....seein everyone.... and even though I'm not much of a kid person, playing a game or two with their new little monsters ..... sounds fun ......literally. 

But lets get back to the pictures.... I've been doing some research. Looking up other peoples bad photos and family poses.....and Im sure some of these gems could be expanded to include lots of relatives... so all you amateur photographers with a dark side ..... get ready to be inspired. But enough words...... on to the worst/most awkward family photos I could find on the internet.
Uncle Teddie was asked to lay off the eggnog next year...

I call this picture... the second life of curtains
Really? No one thought this pose was awkward?

I think this is Dan Quayle's family... seriously. Check out the guy on the left. Really? I mean I would expect this from the Bush's.

Auntie Fawziyyah  is looking dead sexy these days... just sayin

Now sometimes you just don't have any family(for example... the shunned).... its sad but sometimes true.... so your special furry little creature becomes like family.... these sometimes end up being the the most precious photos...... like below

um..... at least the poodle looks better after the breast reduction...

At first I thought this was a joke photo... then I noticed this virgin has a rat tail.... and realized it has to be true... he clearly has never had any good judgement..
A Pedophiles Easter fantasy......... I don't know I couldn't think of anything tasteful.(sorry bunny picture fans)

And then there's this one. People it's o.k. to love your pets.... just don't LOVE your pets.

Alright moving on...... then I guess sometimes you dress up in costume.....
um.... they didn't have wheel chairs in the Renaissance.... cheater!!!

and then sometimes you want your family's photo literally on you at all times....
unless this is your family

and then sometimes you model your family photo after your favorite tv show.... 

these guys are huge Saturday Night Live fans

classic SNL
and then sometimes its just where you choose to take the shot.... that kinda ruins it.....
Now I understand this photo may appear inappropriate... but shame on you. There's absolute nothing funny or wrong about Moist Cave

all right this could go on for forever.... but allow me to leave you with a couple other awkward family photos I found

in truth I dont really know whats going on here.... but I don't feel good about it

this was the last family photo great uncle Jethro can be found in

This family is stupid close

The "slingshot as a swimsuit" reunion.....was unfortunately well attended. 

And lastly lets keep it clean......Theres this shot.. But I'm told Grandma changed the will after this reunion. 

Well I'm looking forward to my reunions....... And I'm hoping that for some of you all these photos have inspired you to get creative with the camera.....  till then thanks for skimming the pictures.... er.... reading my blog.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Summertime/ Cat Post

 Ah Northwest winters
Bladers doing what they do.
 Looking amazing!
The sun is back out.... and soon it will be hot all over our fine country. So I'd like to take some time to speak to all you people living in southern cities....... You know who you are!!! Always pointing out how you are out enjoying the pool in January when we are all bundled up and miserable. Well.......it's about to get real nice up here and stupid hot down there.....so enjoy sweating...sunhogs! Its our turn to have the best season now...... In fact you all have become just a bit rude .... your life isn't that good down there.  Actually the next time you roller blade from the topless smoothie bar to go judge the bikini competition semifinals I hope you fall and either rip your speedo or pop one of your fake tanned boobs!! Jerks! Whoa... Whoa...I think I got carried away. Sorry if that crossed a line .......it's just....... uh.......just whatever...  moving on......... 
Just a couple Portland river girls
They are everywhere up here!!!
Anyways it's about to get real nice up here. And soon enough even us Northerners will be looking to cool off.    Maybe take a dip in the pool or the river or maybe even glacial runoff.... Regardless  it got me thinking about swimsuit season. Probably time to drop a pound or two and get ready to look my best..... you know to impress all the countless river girls we have up here in Portland....... and more importantly so I don't look like this.............

Oh man.............. I'm very sorry about that everyone. I don't think anyone deserved him. Come to think of it.... that would be the worst possible post ever.... right. A bunch of pictures of terrible and  horrible swimsuits. A kind of photo list of bad bikinis and childhood scarring speedos to avoid .................. hmm................. Maybe for some other day. What else is going on? Not much. I did recently decide to look up some funny cat photos. Who doesn't love animal pictures right? Well I found some classics. I think they are hilariously adorable!  Here ya go everyone. The cat post..........

Worlds largest cat

Kick ass robot badass cat

cutest little cat

Not a cat! Oh yes I did! You didn't think I'd really do a cat post did ya? Here we go the worst swim suits ever post. Sorry if you are eating while reading this!

Now this is really bad.... or just really confident. Its a coin flip really. (however not as well received at the father-daughter pancake breakfast/pool party)

And with these suits..... I have a very important news bulletin.......Caaaaannonball!!!!!

Now if you are thinking about making the switch to the Speedo.... may I suggest the beginning of the season?

there's the Burkini........ a little too revealing if you ask me.

Then there's this gem.You should see the bottom of the bikini.... think footsie!
Genius if you ask me. Just another use for duct tape... less fun taking off... just sayin.
I just found out where the iPhone 5 is hiding!!!
Speaking of Apple. I couldn't post her iTunes suit.... trust me.
She's known for doing cartwheels...... one word of advice. Dont watch it do cartwheels!

And lastly there's this... an example of borrowing your little sisters bathing suit............ maybe not such a good idea?

Anyways I hope you all learned a little bit. Some do's and some dont's..... regardless no matter how bad your swim suit turns out this year remember.... there's always the swim up bar.... you know to drown your swimsuit sorrows.

However puking in the pool ruins the Marco Polo game.... 
every time.

and always remember everybody.... tip your pool bar waitresses. Their the best. 

Thats it for today. Thanks for stopping by. Where classy happens........ just very very occasionally! Blog ya'll later.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Judgement Day Post

So this is my 150th post .... and my last. You see tomorrow May 21st 2011 is apparently Judgement Day. And after a quick skim of this Atheist to Christian travel dictionary I found... I just may now understand whats about to happen. Apparently Jesus is coming back. Perfect!! Who wouldn't want that. I want that! I have been waiting for what seems like a lifetime to find out which religion was closest to the truth (pullin for ya Methodist)... And even more importantly...  if the DaVinci Code was right on the mark. I suspect so... 

But back to who had it right.... was it Hindu or Judaism or Christianity... It doesn't really matter...we're about to find out. By the way Vegas has Jehovah Witnesses as 1000 to 1 underdogs. Regardless, with all the excitement I have some reservations ..... I'm worried.   Too often the sequel isn't as good as the original. And the original spawned Bibles, religion, faith, Two Sister Act movies and like a billion dollars worth of necklaces with crosses on them .. good luck topping all that! Anyways I needed to do more digging into what this all actually means.... and really its pretty simple. 

Here's what I learned

Jesus is coming back to judge us all... and no slackers there wont be a curve. Damn it!!.... uh.... I meant  Darn it!  Some people he will deem good... some bad.... some get presents.... some get coal. ...wait does anyone feel a Santa connection here?  Im getting off point ..... 

Basically if you are deemed good, you get raptured/ transported/ ascended/ something... on up to heaven. Good for you. The rest of us cretans stay down here in kinda what sounds like a hell on earth. (Side note... religious readers... please comment if I dont have it quite right. But remember... be nice... cause someones about to judge your ass). so that's mostly it..... and now thinking about all of this new information,  I have a few more things I need to say.

1. If you are a housepet who had a good owner... it sucks to be you. Your gonna starve in the house when the food runs out.

voted 2010 math joke of the year. Really?
 2. This date May 21st 2011 was apparently set 7000 years ago to be Judgement Day. Impressive follow through!  I know personally I have a hard time committing to things more than two weeks out.... let alone 364,000 weeks out (and hey theres nothing wrong with a judgement day/math joke occasionally.. right nerds?)

3. Now let me get this straight... good-dead-buried people ascend to heaven... but not the creamated people!!! First off...did the cremated  people know this wasn't included in their non-burial package? And second... man does that suck..Maybe its just too messy?  May I suggest a Dyson?

4. Also at this time I would like to take a minute to say goodbyes to the following sure fire ascenders. Kirk Cameron, TV Evangilists, Madonna, Jesus from the movie Kingpin, The Osmonds,  the writers of Full House, the Church Lady, and virgins everywhere!

5. What happens to the scientologists? Seriously?
To my left is my best guess?

6. Also if the rapture happens about 3:15 tomorrow...  God can I get a heads up.... at that time I will be in the dentist chair and if my dentist gets beamed up mid-drill.... that would really not work out well for me.

7. And lastly if by some freak list mixup  I actually get raptured and I start floating upward like I drank Willy Wonka's Fizzy Lifting drink.......I really hope I ascend upwards properly.... and don't somehow do it wrong... 

Well all joking aside I guess we shall see if I get to Blog ya'll later or not ...time will tell... if not it's been a pleasure everybody.... and like Desmond said on Lost. See ya in another life.. brotha!